My heart aches at the news of another broken family. Another
tragedy hit all too close to home.
By no means do I have all the answers for why tragedy strikes again, and I’m not an expert on the topic. However, I do have a bit of experience in a similar situation and in the past 2 years, I have learned a lot about my reactions and needs in the midst of grief. I hope these experiences and observations can assist some who may be impacted by Mitchell’s life.
1. Students don’t learn a lot about grief until it’s knocking on their door. It can be very helpful for a person to be affirmed that their struggles, weird emotions and need for comfort are OKAY and NORMAL. One morning following another family death, I woke up extremely angry, for no known reason. I just felt so much anger, which is very unusual for my personality. When a friend asked how I was doing I told her honestly, “I’m struggling with being really angry today, I’m not sure why but I know it’s a part of grief.” She didn’t look at me weird or run away, she just had compassion and allowed me to share.
Let students share. Invite them to share when those weird, unexpected things pop up.
By no means do I have all the answers for why tragedy strikes again, and I’m not an expert on the topic. However, I do have a bit of experience in a similar situation and in the past 2 years, I have learned a lot about my reactions and needs in the midst of grief. I hope these experiences and observations can assist some who may be impacted by Mitchell’s life.
1. Students don’t learn a lot about grief until it’s knocking on their door. It can be very helpful for a person to be affirmed that their struggles, weird emotions and need for comfort are OKAY and NORMAL. One morning following another family death, I woke up extremely angry, for no known reason. I just felt so much anger, which is very unusual for my personality. When a friend asked how I was doing I told her honestly, “I’m struggling with being really angry today, I’m not sure why but I know it’s a part of grief.” She didn’t look at me weird or run away, she just had compassion and allowed me to share.
Let students share. Invite them to share when those weird, unexpected things pop up.
2. You don’t have to have all the answers or know exactly
what to do. Following tragedy, I had moments when I wanted to do random,
mindless things that nobody could have predicted. One frigid afternoon, a group
of friends and I went snowshoeing. Despite my constant complaints about how
tiring it was, they entertained my desire to get some fresh air and exercise.
People need different things, ask them what they need! It’s okay to have a
healthy dose of distractions sometimes, it’s also okay to treat them like
nothing has changed if they request that kind of company. At first, just be
there with an open heart and some un-biased free time to do whatever they may
need.
3. Please be a stable force of love in the lives of students
who are struggling with a drastically new reality. You can be a stable force
even when tears are streaming down your face. Acknowledge sadness yet hold
tight to the truths that remain. Yes, things have changed. Yes, someone very
special is no longer with us. However, I am still here, we are still here and
we are still moving forward. We are still on the same path (finishing high
school or finishing the season).
-Some very influential leaders in my life held me tight and cried hard after they heard the news. They hardly knew my family, but they cried because they knew that it was painful. They didn’t try to give me answers, they just acknowledged that loss is really hard sometimes. Later, they went on to provide the same expectations and treat me same as they had before. This was drastically comforting and influential. I knew that they would be willing to listen when I needed to talk because of the way that they opened their heart to my pain at the beginning.
4. It’s often very tempting to ask questions about the gruesome details of the accident or things such as funeral arrangements and the person’s belongings, etc. While those are necessary immediate questions, don’t forget to ask about who the person was. This may sound scripted or cliché, but different questions can help us to remember the positives. Questions such as:
-Some very influential leaders in my life held me tight and cried hard after they heard the news. They hardly knew my family, but they cried because they knew that it was painful. They didn’t try to give me answers, they just acknowledged that loss is really hard sometimes. Later, they went on to provide the same expectations and treat me same as they had before. This was drastically comforting and influential. I knew that they would be willing to listen when I needed to talk because of the way that they opened their heart to my pain at the beginning.
4. It’s often very tempting to ask questions about the gruesome details of the accident or things such as funeral arrangements and the person’s belongings, etc. While those are necessary immediate questions, don’t forget to ask about who the person was. This may sound scripted or cliché, but different questions can help us to remember the positives. Questions such as:
-What’s
your favorite memory of him/her?
- What
is one thing that you learned from him/her?
- What
is something that you liked to do together?
Or bring up a funny memory of that person at an appropriate time.
5. Give grace. For your sake, don’t take things too personally.
If someone isn’t ready to talk right away, give time. If they don’t answer your
calls immediately, provide forgiveness and remain stable and dependable.
Obviously, there are some more important things to keep in mind, especially when you suspect students are having a particularly hard time with loss. Professionals can provide great resources. There are just some things that were new to me and hopefully provide some insight.
You are all in my prayers.
Rachel Gatehouse (Therrian)
LaSalle Alumni, 2011